I like you.

I'd honestly tell you that. In the face.
It's only you that I wanted to tell you that...that it actually crossed my mind to confess liking you.

If only you were here.
If only you did not get away when I was certain I could tell you that.
If only all the other reasons that hinder for me to say that disappeared.

But I really, really, do. I like you. I want to tell you that. I don't want to leave a message on Facebook saying that. I want to tell it to you.

Only to you.
Because I really do.

I have this urge to message you on Facebook, but I know that you'd be weirded out or something. That why am I only talking to you after almost a year of you leaving. 


It gets harder to bear for me. I want to tell you already. I can't wait anymore. It's stupid. But I want you here. Or me over there. All those stupid miles should probably go away. I just want to hug you and tell you that I miss you, I like you, I want you here.

I'm so selfish.
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Sometimes, I feel like I'm not entitled to love at all. Probably because I'm so much better off standing on my self with dreams, etc.

I don't feel sad or frustrated that I'm still loveless...but with the events happening, I couldn't help but think that it's probably for the best that I don't love romantically at all.

At least I still believe that it applies only this time. Yeah.
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I couldn't believe that six posts in this blog points out to you and only you (I'd like to think that) and no one else. dlsjkfsjkfd WHY AM I SO INCOHERENT.

If you're just here, everything would be okay. I won't be so confused like this. :|

Okay, I'd like to blame you...but of course, I can't. I couldn't.

I get it. I never really fully realized how's it to love someone...and how to be loved back. I hate how in my eighteen years of experience, I get to be the less favorite daughter, the not-so-relevant friend, and the not-so-interesting girl in school. Whaddup, I don't blame mom or dad or anyone. I love them, okay. I mean, OF COURSE, I love my family and I know I love them...but outside the familial ties, people care so little about me even my own friends. I'd like to say it's unfair. When someone's in a big trouble, I try to help them as much as I can, it's just that they don't think I care. But I REALLY DO. And that's why they all think I don't need any help. On anything. It sucks, but it's true. I envy a LOT of my friends. Their friends give them things and attention that I never had. Ever. Maybe it's me to blame, after all. I don't say anything. I just get all emotional and then I won't really say anything. I hide my frustrations quite perfectly that even though I say "I'm  not okay", it won't be convincing. A friend even pointed out that she envies me because I don't seem to have any problem and I'm happy everyday. Well, at least that's how I am in school. I don't want too much drama with people around me...but, I also don't want being completely ignored and treated as "the least relevant".

I don't make sense here.
Really.
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Gusto kitang sisihin.
Pero wala kang alam.
Matalino ka, pero wala akong sinabi.
Sinabi ko lang, huli na ang lahat.
Mas matalino ako.
Kung sinabi ko nung nandito ka pa,
Habangbuhay na lang akong mahihiya. Alam ko naman na hanggang doon na lang. At least, alam mo 'yun.


Malas mo
Ikaw ang natipuhan ko
Di mo lang alam
Ako'y iyong nasaktan
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It took quite one full year to really, really move on. I know. I'm crazy. I'm not entitled to feel anything because...what am I to you, anyway? I'm just this one acting all foolish, thinking that being confusingly honest whenever I joke around that I like you would actually hit you in some ways.

It sucks that when I finally decided to be real honest with my feelings, you'd suddenly go away. It's obviously f*cked up. Obviously, Obvious. Whatever.

Now that I finally got used to not thinking about you nor complaining about my non-existent love life, why do I feel like something's wrong? Like I miss feeling giddy, then frustrated, then etc etc I DON'T KNOW, but this is complete, messed up, BS.

I'm mainly run on school and money right now, and it feels like my feelings for you evaporated together with other parts of my humanity; aka social life. It's like I'm getting shittier and shittier as a writer/artist/whatever everyday that I get to move on from you.

Of course, no one's at fault, but my totally illogical ego is blaming you.
I HATE THIS FEELING
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Blurry lights, blinding yellow, the dark night...
It takes just a few memories.
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"...and when all the world seem to care, I sit here quietly, thinking: ‘Am I still entitled to feel anything?’ Then I look back, and realize that indeed nothing is worth my attention anymore."
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